Breaking the Cycle: How EMDR Helps Children Heal from Domestic Violence

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month (opens in new tab) , it is important to remember that children are often among those most deeply affected by violence in the home. Whether they witness , hear, or experience the aftermath of abuse, children can carry the emotional and developmental effects of these experiences for years. In this interview, EMDRIA ™ member M. Lupita Renteria discusses the impact of intimate partner violence on children, common signs clinicians may encounter , and how E ye M ovement D esensitization and R eprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help young survivors move from fear and confusion toward healing and resilience. Breaking the Cycle: How EMDR Helps Children Heal from Domestic Violence Guest Blog Post by M. Lupita Renteria , LCSW-S (opens in new tab) Tell us a little bit about you, your experience becoming an EMDR therapist, and your experience working with children who have witnessed or experienced domestic violence. For the past decade, I’ve worked with survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV)/domestic violence and their children in a wide range of settings, including a domestic violence mental health agency, family violence law clinic, community-based mental health, and hospital settings. I was drawn to EMDR therapy because of the transformative shifts trainers and other therapists described in EMDR sessions: that cognitive shift, the somatic focus, and the elaborate imagery and metaphors clients experience in their healing journey. With children, I often witness a different kind of transformation: a parent and child having stronger relationships because of processing adverse experiences in their families. Working with children can also allow opportunities for parents or safe caregivers to tend to their children’s emotional wounds and hold space for the abuse they witnessed. Can you help us understand a little bit about the effect of intimate partner violence/domestic violence on children? How prevalent is this pro blem, and what signs might an EMDR therapist look for that might indicate thi s tr auma is happening? It is estimated that 1 in 4 children in the United States will witness, hear, or be present when their caregiver is experiencing IPV ( Doswell et al., 2025 (opens in new tab) ). Research findings also suggest that exposure to IPV in childhood is associated with future victimization and perpetration in both boys and girls ( Forke et al., 2018 (opens in new tab) ). When abuse becomes normalized, some children may begin to mimic the abuse they witness and become verbally or physically aggressive with family members or peers. For example, in my work with children and adolescents, an 8-year-old boy client repeated verbal insults used by his father, such as “You’re stupid” and “You’re worthless,” to his mother. Similarly, a female adolescent client exposed to IPV in childhood punched her partner when she experienced conflict in her relationship. Children may also misplace blame on the victimized parent or blame themselves for the abuse. There is also the unmeasurable and tragic experience of grief and loss experienced by some children losing a loved one due to domestic violence. Other types of losses may be the death of a pet, changing schools, or moving to a different home or shelter. Some ways that IPV may affect a child throughout their development are as follows. Prenatal: Mothers who experience IPV during pregnancy experience high cortisol, impacting maternal stress and attachment ( Doswell et al. 2025 (opens in new tab) ). Early Childhood : Separation anxiety, feelings of fear, especially regarding the safety of a parent, hypervigilance, dissociation, somatic complaints, nightmares, bed-wetting ( NCTSN, 2019 (opens in new tab) ). Older Childhood: Additionally, school avoidance, difficulty concentrating at school, and externalizing learned aggression ( NCTSN, 2019 (opens in new tab) ). Adolescence: Teen dating violence experiences, depression, and anxiety ( NCTSN, 2019 (opens in new tab) ). How can EMDR therapy help a child who has experienced violence at home ? What successes have you seen? EMDR therapy can help kids process a range of experiences related to IPV, particularly when integrated with the child’s language of play. It is important to be flexible regarding targets to determine what feels most impactful for the child. The target may be a specific violent incident they witnessed, their parent’s separation/divorce, experiences of ongoing visitations with the parent who has perpetrated, or attachment ruptures such as being separated from a parent for a sustained period of time due to legal/custody matters or if their parent’s injuries required hospitalization. For example, a 4-year-old client who witnessed his mother’s stabbing by his father became distressed anytime his mother visited the doctor for her routine medical appointments. Doctors reminded the child of the time he spent away from his mother when she was at the hospital recovering from her injuries. Adolescents can also process the fear of dating an abusive partner in the future, specific violent episodes they witnessed, being harmed by the parent, and teen dating violence. EMDR therapy holds space for the dialectical feelings that arise for clients, such as loving the person who has harmed their family and not wanting contact with the parent who has harmed them. I remember a profound moment when I experienced the effectiveness of EMDR – when I was working with a 10-year-old girl who witnessed a family violence incident that resulted in the death of a family member. Shortly after the homicide, she began experiencing suicidal ideation, believing she should have been the one to die. Through EMDR processing, she came to believe that she deserved to live. Witnessing that shift was when I truly understood the transformational potential of EMDR therapy. Overall, the successes I have witnessed when EMDR is used to process violence in the home are: a child no longer internalizing or misplacing blame, a child feeling less confused regarding the abuse that occurred in the home, and posttraumatic stress and depressive symptoms subsiding after EMDR reprocessing. Are there cautionary measures you would like to mention regarding the use of EMDR therapy with children/teenagers who have experienced violence in the home? Safety and risk assessment are important considerations, particularly when violence poses a serious or potentially lethal threat to a caregiver or family. If there are any safety concerns, it can be beneficial to develop a safety plan with both parent and child. This safety plan allows a child to know what they can do when they are exposed. The safety plan can also be incorporated as a future template when incorporating Lovett’s EMDR storytelling technique (2007). It is also important to be mindful of the cognition, “I am not safe,” when targeting situations where there is still a present sense of threat to their safety. It is recommended for the therapist to use a negative cognition that appropriately highlights the dysfunctionality of a belief such as “It is my fault.” Children might not be able to process “I am safe” when they are truly not safe. However, they can process feelings of guilt and responsibility so they can be as safe as possible in specific situations. Are there any myths you would like to bust about using EMDR therapy with these children ? Myth: If the child was in another room and only hears and does not see the violence, they will not experience trauma symptoms. Reality: Exposure to domestic violence can include seeing, hearing, intervening, or a child experiencing the aftermath, such as the child witnessing the police arrival. Research indicates that any type of exposure, including seeing or hearing, can lead to trauma symptoms ( McTavish et al., 2016 (opens in new tab) ). Also, even if they do not see the violence, they notice the aftereffects of the abuse and feel affected by that. Myth: You can’t use EMDR when there is ongoing domestic violence. Reality: While there is not a one-size-fits-all approach, some clients with ongoing experiences can benefit from processing domestic violence experiences when they are in a situation of ongoing traumatic stress. When memories of domestic violence have not been properly processed, it can lead to a “reduced capacity to deal with the current situation” (Mosquera, 2022). Using EMDR to process ongoing situations can help clients become more psychologically resilient and increase their coping in future situations ( Jarero & Uribe, 2012 (opens in new tab) ). In cases where ongoing domestic violence is present, safety and stabilization are prioritized in the preparation phase. What multicultural considerations might EMDR therapists need to keep in mind regarding EMDR therapy and this topic? It can be helpful during the history-taking phase to ask about any stressors or challenging experiences the family has faced related to their social identities and social locations (Day-Vines, 2022; Garrett, 2025 ), as these experiences may intersect with domestic violence. An EMDR therapist may find it beneficial to ask a family if they have ever experienced any stressful situations where they or their child felt harmed because of race/ethn i city, gender, sexual orientation, or immigration status. For example, Black Indigenous People of Color ( BIPOC ) and undocumented immigrant survivors may experience fear in contacting the police due to historical experiences with police brutality or fear of deportation. In situations when the police are called, perpetrators may blame the survivor by telling the child that the survivor is responsible for the perpetrator’s arrest, incarceration, or deportation. Do you have any favorite free resources that you would suggest to EMDR therapists interested in learning more about using EMDR with children who are experiencing violence at home? The free book and video “Once I Was Very Scared” (opens in new tab) can help children learn common reactions to stress. Sesame Workshop series offers videos in English and Spanish. For example, they have one on “Safe Place” that can be helpful during the preparation phase when introducing this to younger children and parents. Additionally, they have a video on a child’s perspective on domestic violence and on letting children know it’s not their fault when their parents divorce. Safe Place “Comfy Cozy Nest”: https://sesameworkshop.org/resources/big-birds-comfy-cozy-nest/ Spanish Version of Children’s Perspective on Domestic Violence: https://youtu.be/dA49i35JUCY?si=Glopbl13tXMMPzhN Divorce and Reminding Kids It’s Not Their Fault: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Px3a9B3o5KI The Gottmans’ blog post (opens in new tab) on the types of domestic violence and video (opens in new tab) . Playful EMDR offers a free recorded training on the EMDR Storytelling technique (opens in new tab) for those who have completed EMDR basic training. EMDR for Kids has a free recorded workshop for child therapists: Story Telling Madlib : An EMDR Technique for Grown-Ups to Support Kids Heal Trauma (opens in new tab) Jackie Flynn’s EMDR Playground podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMQKF5SVyEo Anything else you would like to add? Many children who have witnessed domestic violence spend time with both parents. It can be beneficial to take a systemic lens when clinically appropriate while ensuring a safe therapeutic space. Depending on the contextual factors of each family, therapists are encouraged to consider the capacity and involvement of the child’s parents. Some critical questions an EMDR therapist can ask are: What role, if any, will a parent play in the eight phases of EMDR? With adequate preparation, does the survivor parent feel emotionally comfortable participating in any conjoint sessions with the child? Create careful assessment around each caregivers capacity for parent consultations. While considering the safety of the child and the survivor, is it safe to incorporate the parent who perpetrated abuse in separate conjoint sessions with the child? Separate parent consults should be considered to enhance safety. Are parents interested in referrals for individual treatment? Is the parent who perpetrates abuse interested in participating in a Batterers Intervention and Prevention Program (BIPP)? Children who have been exposed to IPV learn complicated messages about themselves and others based on their relationships with their attachment figures (Mosquera, 2022). Children’s exposure to IPV can contribute to the perpetuation of transgenerational violence (Mosquera, 2022). The healing that results from EMDR therapy can create corrective experiences, break cycles, and have a lasting intergenerational impact. M. Lupita Renteria (she/her/ ella) is a EMDRIA Certified Therapist™, EMDRIA Approved Consultant in Training™, and Registered Play Therapist™ . Lupita enjoys incorporating parents throughout the phases of EMDR therapy and is passionate about strengthening attachment relationships between children/adolescents and their caregivers. Lupita is a co-founder of CreativEMDR’s Bilingual EMDR Cognitions Card Deck. References Day-Vines, N. L. (2022, September 10). Making space to broach race, ethnicity, and culture within the context of EMDR [Conference presentation]. EMDRIA Virtual Conference 2022 Doswell, A., Kazmir, S., Segal, R., & Tiyyagura , G. (2025). Impact of intimate partner violence on children. Pediatric Clinics of North America, 72 (3), 509–523. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pcl.2024.12.005 (opens in new tab) Forke, C. M., Myers, R. K., Fein, J. A., Catallozzi , M., Localio , A. R., Wiebe, D. J., & Grisso, J. A. (2018). Witnessing intimate partner violence as a child: How boys and girls model their parents’ behaviors in adolescence. Child Abuse & Neglect, 84 , 241–252. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.07.031 (opens in new tab) Friend, D. J., Cleary Bradley, R. P., Thatcher, R., & Gottman, J. M. (2011). Typologies of intimate partner violence: Evaluation of a screening instrument for differentiation. Journal of Family Violence , 26 (7), 551-563. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-011-9392-2 (opens in new tab) Garrett, J. (2025, July 25). Using EMDR with BIPOC clients: Six strategies for children, adolescents, and adults . EMDR International Association. https://www.emdria.org/blog/using-emdr-with-bipoc-clients-six-strategies-for-children-adolescents-and-adults/ (opens in new tab) Gottman Institute. (n.d.). A review of the research on domestic violence. Webpage. https://www.gottman.com/blog/a-review-of-the-research-on-domestic-violence/ (opens in new tab) Gottman Institute. (2026, April 22). When couples therapy is NOT appropriate: Characterological vs. situational domestic violence. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMb9FMCCy0A (opens in new tab) Jarero, I., & Uribe, S. (2012). The EMDR protocol for recent critical incidents: Follow-up report of an application in a human massacre situation. Journal of EMDR Practice and Research, 6 (2), 50–61. https://doi.org/10.1891/1933-3196.6.2.50 (opens in new tab) Lovett, J. (2007). Small wonders: Healing childhood trauma with EMDR . Free Press McTavish, J. R., MacGregor, J. C. D., Wathen, C. N., & MacMillan, H. L. (2016). Children’s exposure to intimate partner violence: An overview. International Review of Psychiatry, 28 (5), 504–518. https://doi.org/10.1080/09540261.2016.1205001 (opens in new tab) Mosquera, D. (2022). Breaking free: Treating the effects of domestic violence against women: An integrative psychological treatment using EMDR therapy . National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) and Peterson, S. (2019). Effects. Retrieved from https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/intimate-partner-violence/effects (opens in new tab) The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). 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